"It has been my experience that perhaps the most significant challenge we face, as victims of narcissistic abuse, is the very confusing belief that we are responsible for all of the dysfunction that existed or still exists in the connection. It is utterly essential, in order for the narcissist to benefit from the relational transaction in the way that they need to, that we believe that we are to blame for everything difficult in the relationship, and often in their lives- and it is us alone who have to, and can, fix it. This misplaced sense of accountability would not just work on anyone. It worked on us, for all kinds of different reasons, often including the fact that victims of narcissistic abuse tend to be responsible people inclined to own their role in things. And, of course, that sense of responsibility is blatantly WRONG in that context. You are not to blame for any of it, even if you currently believe that your issues attracted you to them, or that your issues contributed to your remaining in contact with them.

Because that which exists in the narcissist, existed before you, and no doubt will exist beyond you. However it happened to them, however these patterns of abuse became their way of being, was a function of their own experiences, and took root independent of your presence. It is not now, and it was not ever, about you. I appreciate that you may not be ready to know that yet, but I want to say this right now, at the outset of the process, as a kind of lighthouse of understanding that you are walking towards. You may have wanted to believe that it was about you, perhaps because it gave you a sense of control- the idea that if its your fault, then you can actually make it better- but it was NEVER ABOUT YOU. The gaslighting was not about you. The triangulation was not about you. The blaming was not about you. The playing the victim was not about you. The diminishment was not about you. The lack of empathy was never about you. The manipulation, the sense of entitlement, the ego-feeding, were never about you. They were directed AT you, but they were never about you. All of it was about them and their fragile, underdeveloped egoic structure. And there was NOT A THING you could do to change any of it.

In fact, it was set up structurally, as an intrinsically unchangeable parasitic structure, one that is not seeking transformation, but is merely to be fed and maintained precisely as it is. Your job, whether you knew it or didn’t know it, was to give it what it needed to remain alive in its current form. With no capacity for self-reflection or empathic interface, it has no fuel, no impetus to grow. And none of this is, or ever could be, your fault. They arrived in your life that way. They may have wanted you to believe it was your fault, so you would keep elevating and nourishing it, but none of that was true. None of it. - Jeff Brown, Narcissistic Abuse Healing Course